The Girl Come Undone

Nothing Really Matters

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 22:55:49 GMT

Just so know everything and everyone will let you down.
Even the person of thing you believe in most.
Deep down no one cares about you.
They will do what they want regardless of what you feel and think.
You have always been alone your entire life.
There is no love, only lust.
Everyone is extremely selfish.
One day you won't mean a thing to the person you say you love, and loves you.
One day your best friend(s) will betray you.
One day you might wake up.
And end up like me.

I don't care if this doesn't sound like me, it's me now. You desroyed so don't wish for her back unless you want to try to rebuild me. I'm dead now. I may care about you, and want to spend time with you, but you push me away. Don't put your chickens in one basket. Because one day they may be gone and so may I.

And "you" refers to everyone just some people more than others.

Take Me Away For Two Seconds

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 18:02:05 GMT

Saturday pours in like sugar coated bliss once again. I made it through my week. I wrote those lines of prose, I took that stats test, and thought all week. I made it to the dance floor to burn this non stop manic energy wishing for THC because I appear to look like a cancer patient. I bathe to find my naked self far too skinny and weary, because mania has ravarged like a hungry cat. I can't think and process it so instead of my mind it took my body, my beauty. I see a glimmer of the beauty I once was, and I think you saw her too. You still laughed with me, enjoyed me, and even though I know you wish my old self back, I think you saw past it. Drugs racing through our bloodstrem, and dank smoke poluting the air. For two seconds the mania stops. I will beat this. I will be whole again. I will be beauty again. I have to beat this.

She stares at me and is sad. Your bones hun, they scare me. It's Stephanie and I know she really does care. We smoke and talk, and then snack. Eat my lady she says. We have decemberists sunday!

Okay kiddies I'm in a writing mood today. That and I'm kinda high and very tired. I got fucked up on saturday with alvie, and been hanging with the stephanie nearly every day. I lost 12 pounds! I look horrid! I've been trying to gain my weight back. Mania is a fucked up disease. Thanks my babies for being the coolest niggas I know.

For You I Bleed Myself Dry

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 20:29:06 GMT

For some strange reason that lyric makes sense for a lot of things going on right now. School started the 22nd keeping me extremely busy yet again. Stats is hard, science is boring, and Laura(my writing teacher) is pounding us with work. So with the little free time I have to try to relax, write, do my homework, and see my friends, and well of course engage in sin with Pookie. And a lot has been going on well where should I start. Hmm how about Kari. Yeah she's this ex of Liz's who seemed to be flirting with me, and was suppossed to come hang out last friday night. Well she flaked out, but it didn't bother me too much. Jackie called and wanted to hang out. So she did and we would up going to Tranz which was a good time for the most part. I was showered with compliements and got to be in VIP, but got hit on hard by too many guys. And fucking Josh tried to make out with me. This why I HATE GOING TO CLUBS WITHOUT ALVIE!!! He keeps them away so I can dance and actully have a better time. I walked home and barely fir my head through the door which was needed because of the tension the first week of school, and the coldplay show put on me. Yeah another reason I used this lyric, when they played yellow I made the mistake of getting caught in the moment and kissing up to alvie during the "you know I love so" lyric. He responded with "please don't" which brought tears to my eyes being exhausted since I had 4 hours of sleep. But everything blew over and we're okay. In fact Saturday was wonderful. Watching lost, and getting high is a good time. But what was a better was geting the long, hot sex I needed. No anderson's that thursday because of coldplay =(! Then Jackie started causing drama for what I do not know why. Probably some jealously issue. Or probably the fact she considers me her best friend and the last thing I consider her is mine. Sorry. And I'm not dropping everything when she calls I could care less. I have Pookie and Stephanie in my best friend slots. Speaking of which pookie wrote a great entry about the first time he wrote, and he wooed this girl with his words. And I remember how I wooed him with mine. Since my writing is getting better I hope to wow him again. Atleast make him think I'm a that wonderful writer he met a long time ago. I think my writing went down. But with some rest I got ideas. And espisode 23 of lost made me bawl my eyes out, and make me love the people I love even more. For everyone I care about and you should know who are you, I want to say, I love you and appreciate you, and I wouldn't be here without you.

Can an online quiz access your personality?

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 01:20:07 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	33%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|	16%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Well this is what it says about me. Some I think is quite true. Tell me what you think.

Honestly I feel loved

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 23:04:48 GMT

Well everything right now is going really great for me. First great news is Alvaro is home!!!!!!!!!!!! We had such a magical time Saturday night I wrote a poem about it which I shall post before this entry. He bought me a pretty cermanic turtle oh yay! I'm all registered for school, and today I got hired at Meryns. All I got to do now is fake a drug test. Thank you so much paraphernalia boutique.

"Happy You're Home"

your eyes are dancing, perpetual exhaustion mixed with excitment,
yeah I'm happy you're home too,
my mind raged all week, my body completely restless,
I longed for your touch,
I yearned to hear your voice,
I dreamed of you coming home to me,
the quiet still where I found peace,
you know the sky turned entirely black,
the sun pounded us into a dizzy illness,
you missed all of that,
maybe you missed me more,
because I missed you even more,
you missed me lying awake at night, my crazed mind haunting me,
you missed my manic fits, the screams echoing inside my head,
and you missed me smoking, thinking thoughts of you with a smile on my face, small tears welling up in my eyes,
kiss me like you did last night,
tell me I'm beautiful again,
god I'm glad you're home,
yeah baby light up like you always have,
yeah pass that smoke to me,
laugh and let my heart race,
I've needed this all week,
I needed you,
you to make it all disappear,
yes I'm so fucking happy you're home-

Won't you miss me, Wouldn't you miss me at all?

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 22:51:34 GMT

There are times in life when you realize things. This week I realized how much Alvaro does mean to me. He's been in Mexico since Saturday morning, and since his phone doesn't work in Mexico and I can't even talk to him. He said he may have some limited internet access but I haven't even recieved a e-mail. I e-mailed him. I hope he just haven't been able to use the internet yet. If not that bring my sadness to new levels, thinking he doesn't miss me. My mania and sadness have been horrible. I feel like I'm losing my mind. And since my therapist had to cancel since her office has no power, I fear I may just get worse. And now my mom wants to go to Globe for a couple of days, and leave me here all by myself with my brother, when I haven't been sleeping or eating much, crying, and miserable. I love my mom. I want to stay here so she can take care of me. Yet even though she said she would stay, she feels like guilt tripping me, making me feel worse, so she can go. Stephanie can't stay with me because she has to work. I just wished Alvaro could call me, e-mail me, or something. I was suppossed to be reading and writing this week, but not much has been accomplished. Mostly I've just been trying to get fucked up. Saturday and Sunday night I did Vicodin, and Vicodin is rare drug of choice for me. Then I finally got a little bit of weed which is helping somewhat. Hopefully I'll write some poetry later and post in here. Let's just say which he returns Saturday night is not coming fast enough.

Madness Divine

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 18:04:54 GMT

Okay kiddies, school is out. I guess that's a good thing. It's nice to have plently of free time, and but then again is also leads to boredom fast.
Vnv nation was an incredible show! I had a lot of fun at it, and I met them!!!!!! Such nice guys, they even smoked a cigarette with me. Aha Ronan Harris smokes... So not all vocalists need to give up the love of nicotine.... but then again Ronan also doesn't sing opera.
NIN was a good show too. Well the performace was good, not the crowd.... You had to keep one eye on the show and the other on the crowd.... Huge mosh pits don't work well with this 80 pound frame. Thank god Alvaro wrapped his arms around me and keep me safe. He kept on saying don't go too far, I don't want you to get kidnapped........
And I finally wrote a poem last night. I didn't necessarily think it was all that good, but Alvaro really liked it so here it is: I call this one "Friday"

Sometimes the sound of nothingness is a comfort,
A night divine, A night of disallusionment,
Broken dreams linger inside creavices of sanity,
Oh yet the other part of me is so jaded,
Nights like this, welcome to my madness
Breathe in, Breathe out
I’ll let my mind wander,
Oh I’m worn, so tired,
And this night of sheer terror is also the night of rest,
Tired little girl dreaming of brown eyes,
I try to vanish him now,
Tell myself his smile killed me,
Feel my strength rise,
Oh but I want his kiss,
Why does he make everything better?
And within him I see something beautiful,
And with him I am myself,
I am beauty,
And I’ll be in happiness tomorrow,
Lulling back to calm of nothingness tonight,
To drink the last glimmer of moonlight,
To let my madness take over for a moment,
So I lavish in sanity tomorrow,
Me this dawn of a woman, and the shadow of a girl,
I accept the fates,
And close my eyes,
Just waiting for tomorrow, another day,
Another chance,
A ray of hope,
Or maybe just blinding bliss-

The Hope Brings You Back

Fri, 13 May 2005 18:49:55 GMT

Last night we were crushing in alvie's rental, the infamous kia, he likes to call the soda can with wheels. We had no music with us so we were listening to the radio, and moments like that, are why I still adore to be around him, and why he'll always be my best friend.

Alvie: Oh man I love this song, don't you, the hook
Renzy: Oh hell yeah I love blues travler
Alvie: I have it downloader (smiles)
Renzy: I wonder if I still can do the fast part
(the fast start starts playing)
We both do a damn good job considering we hadn't heard it in years. Him better than me.
Renzy: we're so lame (laughs)
Alvie: yeah partying outside of the goth club in my car listening to blues traveler
(stoned smiles)

my head just barely above the darkest water I've ever known

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 20:09:25 GMT

Things in my life are stressing me out.
1. Alvaro, we've seemed to "break up" again, and he means the world to me
2. School, why did I take 6 classes? And I'm terrfied I may fail math again
3. Food, it seems I can't finish a meal and I don't know why
4. April, she seems to forget she has a good friend in me, and never returns my calls, and drowns herself in way too many drugs
5. Darren, he called me two hours before the U2 concert to cancel

Well let's see something I have been doing. I did see Alvaro saturday night, maybe his mood may change towards me. I have been trying hard at school but when you can't think it's hard. I need a fat joint don't I?

Coffee Induced Ramblings

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 17:54:45 GMT

Morning is something beautiful that shouldn't be spent at school trying to do excel assignments. So fuck it, I'll write in here which I feel I don't do enough of.

I had to read some god awful fiction for a worshop today, ick, I feel so much more confident in my fiction writing. Which starts to seep out of me lately. But I need comments before I do any revamping although I know there are some things that definately need a jump. Tonight, I go out to anderson's. I live form thursdays. It helps me get through my week. And my week is almost over. One more week down. Not too many more to go.

Oh and life is good. VNV NATION WILL BE HERE!!!!!

let's learn about me

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 02:15:33 GMT

1. What is your name? Renee or Renzy
2. What color underwear are you wearing now? red with black lace
3. What are you listening to right now? "leather" by Tori Amos
4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? 15
5. What was the last thing you ate? I tried to eat some stir fry and rice
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? probably a dark purple
7. How is the weather right now? starting to get warmer yay!
8. Last person you talked to on the phone? Alvaro
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? eyes I go staright for the eyes
10. Favorite Food? paella, and anything italian
11. Favorite Drink? ice tea of course
12. Favorite Alcoholic drink? washington apples
13. Favorite place to shop? forever 21, ross, express
14. Hair Color? black with purple streaks
15. Eye Color? blue grey
16. Do you wear contacts? uh no I barely wear my glasses
17. Favorite Month? october
18. Favorite Fast Food? subway, fazoli's, or arby's
19. Last Movie you Watched? the birds
20. Favorite Day of the Year? July 21st, people who know me well should know why
21. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Never
22. Summer or Winter? I adore winter, but I like summer weather
23. Hugs or Kisses? kiss me
24. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate
25. What are you most comfortable in? my sexy night gowns
26. What books are you reading? right now I don't have the time to read which sadens me
27. What's on your mouse pad? touch pad
28. Favorite Board Game? clue
29. What did you do last night? sat around, talked to some folks, and waited to get weed but the dealer was all out
31. Who inspires you? Alvaro, miss mary jane, and my teacher laura who forces my insipiration to come out
32. Butter, Plain, or salted popcorn? butter and salt
33. Favorite Cookie? windmill cookies
34. Favorite Flower? lilies, and white roses
35. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M? fuck, I'm tired, time for coffee and a cigarette
36. Do you still talk to your best friend(s) from middle school? I talk to my best friends from elementary
37. What's on your desk? my ashtray, cigarettes and a lighter, and an empty bong =(
38. Rock Concert or Symphony? as much as I like classical music I still go with the concert
39. Play or Opera? of course, the opera
40. Have you ever fired a gun? uh no, and I don't think I ever should
41. Do you like to travel by plane? I'm afraid of heights so no42. Right-handed or Left-handed? right handed like the most of the world
43. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter? Chunky
44. How many pillows do you sleep with? one that I usally cuddle with
45. City and State you were born in? Phoenix, AZ
46. Ever hitchhiked? that would be too dumb of me, so hell no

---------------------HAVE YOU EVER---------------------------

Been so drunk you blacked out? not blacked out but I have been pretty fucking drunk
Pierced a body part yourself? of course not
Put a body part on fire for amusement? um no that would be dumb
Been hurt emotionally? constantly
Had an imaginary friend? no which I find odd
Wanted to hook up with a friend? back in the day yeah
Had a crush on a teacher? oh yes
Had a New Kids on the Block tape? yeah when I was too little to realize it was bad
Been on stage? many times being a peformance junkie
Cut your own hair? my bangs yeah
Been sarcastic? yep, sometimes too much

---------------FAVOURITES------------------

Shampoo? anything moisturising
Hair Color? dark hair
Eye Color? doesn't matter as long as they are pretty
Cartoon character? I don't really watch cartoons but let's say vageeta from dbz
Fave movie(s)? currently kill bill v2 but I have a lot of faves
Fave Ice Cream? lactose intolerant, but if I feel like pain, rocky road
Fave 'loaded' drink? washington apples
Fave Person to talk to on-line? alvaro
Fave Person to talk to on the phone? same as before alvaro

------------------RIGHT NOW------------------

Wearing? low rise, jeans, a sheer black top trimmed with black lace, and pointed toe heels
Hair is? I just got purple streaks today
Drinking? ice tea of course
Thinking about? my short story and how I want weed
And listening to? "god" by Tori Amos
Talking to? no one right this second

------------------IN THE LAST 24 HOURS------------------

Cried? no I'm too manic to cry
Worn a skirt? of course
Met someone new? yep abby my new friend from my belly dance class
Cleaned your room? LOL!!!!!!!!!
Driven a Car or Truck? I don't drive, patheic I know

------------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------

Yourself? yes love miss renzy
Your friends? of course
Tooth Fairy? she never gave me enough money, so no
Destiny/Fate? uh no you make your own fate
Angels? yes, but I call them spirits
Ghosts? yes, but I call them spritis too
UFO's? nope

-------------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------

Who have you known the longest of your friends? Stephanie Weirich
Who's the loudest? April, defiantely
Who's the shyest? umm none of us are really shy
Who do you go to for advice? Alvaro, Stephanie, April
Who do you cry to? Alvaro, mostly
What's the best feeling in the world? being hoojaboo

Drink her potent cocktail of madness

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 01:32:47 GMT

Okay I do believe this update is way over due. Why do I not write? It's not like I don't write. I write constantly but never in here, because I do believe a journal should consist of real events, and not my creative writing scenes for my story I revamping.
School is probably the more logical reason, I mean this semester is kicking my ass, and I'm living it. I'm trying harder this semester. I'm overall doing better. But to appease Alvie enjoy a paragraph excerpt form my story "fear creates a house"
In between hot tears of anger, Eve inhaled long drags from her Marlboro light 100 cigarette. She thought to herself, how he could even say that to me. She drank from a potent cocktail swirled with at least three different emotions. She first tasted bitterness, dark, and inviting, and almost too easy to swallow. Then she tasted anger, so lush and spicy, she let in wash around in her mouth, and then slide down her throat feeling it burn, as in went down. It was oh so difficult to digest. Finally she tasted sadness. Sadness was as comforting as a old friend. She drank from it heavily, and waves of tears came down her face, making her porcelain skin, pink, and puffy. And she almost felt better. She gazed at the stars intently. They were all so beautiful. And Beauty can almost come in a form of pain.

something alvaro would write

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 18:39:42 GMT

To think of different times. Sometimes I feel this urge to complancently think of when things were different. The past, perhaps, because maybe I was happier. Or maybe it was because I was less cycnical. More naïve the everyone’s false sense of hope. Do I really want to be 15 again. Back to wearing skirts for every occasion, with short red hair, and a slight eating disorder. I doubt I was ever anorexic but too manic to eat without the right medication. But do I really like feeling like a has been at 21. Back when I was 15 dating that pv boy with the nice car, and the cash. Being a trophy girlfriend, when you used to swing dance at nightclubs. Silly Renee, you were such a girl. And yes I do remember the first time I thought I fell in love. My bass player. A beautiful boy with golden green eyes, and kiss that would sweep you off your feet. I think about him still sometimes now. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. It’s been so long why should he?
I never really think I had many happy memories in high school. This makes me very jealous of everyone else’s memories. Why didn’t I get a piece of the happy apple memories of high school pie?
Yet do I like things now? Not really. I just turned 21 and it seems things went insane. Yet my grades are shooting up. I adore college. But a year ago, to two years ago was such a better time. The time when I was no longer a girl, but a young women. Went I went from a goth kitten, to a dark Scottsdale princess. I yearn for this all the time. But do we all want we can’t have?

2005 may be another hellish year, let's hope not

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 22:14:13 GMT

2004 was a great year up until my birthday. Then it all went to hell. I lost basically everything. And I rang in the new year nicely with Alvaro. I've been feeling good about everything pookie lately. Until i realized we don't have scrubs, the postal service and manson.

2005 may suck again too. I doubt there is enough pot in the world to make everything right again.

Dreamlike and still breathing

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 21:14:18 GMT

Well things always like to leave...
Take your sweet vacation with me, and then fly with something else better comes along.....
Carry your memories, and remember who brought you there, helped you, and then maybe it will set you free....
And when you bruise don't come back to me....

Even though Liz is gone, I'm still breathing. This does upset me heavily. It shocked me to the bone. And I do believe she left me for some girl on the day I was suppossed to go visit but didn't because she was sick and I didn't want to get ill. Everything is changing. Her smile will no longer light up the world like it once did.

Alvaro is all I have. And a dear friend is something to hold close to your heart, but even that is changing. The less I see of him the more he enjoys it. I will be seeing him later this week. To revel in other things, and push all this stress out of my mind.

And the day that she came freezing my frame

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 01:30:04 GMT

This is why I like this journal. I can rant on and on and not bother Alvie with this. He's with the siblings anyway. And he is bsaically the problem.

I came online again out of my boredom after reading a few chapters in the book I'm reading now. I remember him telling me he wrote in a state of highness so I dropped by his journal. That was indeed a mistake. If you read today's earlier entry you seem talking about him in dreamlike bliss, he kinda had the same thing is his journal, about CLAIRE!!! I know he did like the girl but I also remember him telling me he was only going out with her because no one else was around. And then going out about how he never gets to philophize with anyone, probably because he's thinks I'm dumb. And he missed talking and having sex, the thing we all miss. Well please tell me what we are doing? I talk with him all the time and sleep with him on a regular basis. It's nice to miss someone, but for christsake it seemed like he cared about her more than he led on. And honestly I feel like chop liver. But liver is all he has right now.

and when you scan the radio I hope this song will guide you home

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 22:42:39 GMT

I'm actully in a quite plesant mood today. Maybe it's because I smoked earlier and still feel the effects, or because I slept in, and because I'm drinking an ice tea and been three days now without one.

Yeah it's strange I've been trying to drink more soda to reduce the stomach aches I do get when I have one. That and yet again trying to gain more weight, some how this never works. I need to get back to belly dancing more, although that would burn fat not add it.

Yeah times like this, being high, having good music, my mind always drifts to thinking about Alvaro. I do get to see him tomorrow which is great. Although his siblings are in town so our time together may shorten, but it doesn't bother me. His family is more important. Yet he still finds the time to give me little calls, and well wishes, which I hold dear.

Don't me high, Don't leave me dry

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 20:04:28 GMT

And now I'm off for a relaxing winter break, although this christime cheer is enough to make me gag. Why get a false sense of happiness? You know we're all broke and stressed, out trying to celebrate our saviour's birth. And for a interesting fact for all of that don't know, Jesus was born in the springtime, the roman catholic moved it to december to try to convert pagans, and complete with the true holiday Yule! Dammnit no one sent me a Yule card.

Another journal worthy with Alvaro yesterday. We're dicussing our shared lover Miss Mary Jane, while he metoins his high hasn't been as good as a of late. He remembers the summer of 2003 while all we did was smoke, and how everything was much more beautiful. I sighed and agreed, and I can up with conclusion. The summer of 2003 was a beautiful time peroid. We were very much in love, closer than ever. We were extremely happy with everything in our lives. And now well, well we're aren't really. We're both pretty much dateless (besides Liz who I rarely see), stressed, and just falt out sad sometimes. We do have each-other for what it's worth. But I do notice the sky does seem as majestic as it once was.

"she feels like the real thing, she tatses like the real thing, my fake plastic love"- radiohead

The reason why I wear make-up

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 20:21:59 GMT

Last thursday was quite a nice time at the club. Alvaro and I were having our usual fun, and then I got attacked in a good way by a hot blonde named Angie. I danced with her quite a lot and because of that nice visual I had great sex in the late hours on the evening. Saturday yet again was fun, we're getting along better now, it seems. Everything gets great between us when he freaks out. Leaving me alone to drink on those memories because they are I have.

I finally met Robyn last night. She someone I might be intrested in seeing. But no kiss happened. Granted we had people around us but that didn't stop other people from showing affection. Maybe she's not interested, either way this girls, girls, girls, act is getting old. I still only want females. but honestly we all know what I want.

I had a math test this morning, sure I'll probably fail it.

Maybe I need to smoke out, or get out, what I really need is Alvie back.

But I pretend nothing is wrong by parading around town, macking on girls.

sorry to disappoint men

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 01:38:34 GMT

I made a firm decision to only date girls for a little while. Guys well all of them have issues. Moslty want something more than I'm willing to give. And without even a date, they tell me what do to do. Fuck that. Most have the issue I hang out with my ex. Sorry he was here first and I will do whatever I want with him. Plus girls seem better these days.

Hanging round bars at night wishing I have never been born

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 22:32:40 GMT

Things were not good last night at anderson's, which is probably why I won't go back. First it started out nicely. Some good drinks, some dancing chilling out with alvie. Well then he started flirting which sligtly irratated me. So I preceeded to slam my drink. Honestly he should have left it alone at that point. But he didn't, and things got worse on from there. He screamed at me shoved me. he elbowed me when I went up to him. But I mean I wasn't too nice either but still I don't believe in hurting someone. I hope things get better.

getting things straight

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 21:41:38 GMT

Alright, now I'm sick with a cold and figured some things out. Things with Alvaro had been dicussed with him, and he needs to do what I've been doing. Dating serveral folks and not just one. Although my pookie dearest likes the girl there was reasons we broke up, the most important one was he needs to go out and enjoy the rest of his youth, which means not being tied down to one person. As for me I've been dating here and there. Liz is probably one I'd like to see what could happen. I met another girl last night and I'd like to see her again. No strings attached is all I'm looking for. Not ready to get hurt again. Alas, me and pookie bear are still extremely close friends. That probably the closet things I have to true love. That and my Jasmine.

Shattered Thoughts

Sat, 13 Nov 2004 13:06:08 GMT

Yes I know I should be sleeping. Yet I can't sleep for some strange reason even though I'm exhausted. I'm over at Liz's and everyone is nocturnal except for me alas, which makes it hard to sleep. Maybe if Liz would curl up next to me, and for two seconds I could pretend she's mine and then I could probably sleep. I don't have one real thing to call mine. Alvaro is sleeping right now next to claire. I wonder if she knows I was sleeping there two nights in a row. She'll never know he'll never tell her I even exist. It doesn't matter that his ex-girlfriend of two plus years, is his best friend. He'll just hide me away like he always does. Because yes I am something to be ashamed of. I don't know what the hell I've been doing. Today I have to find pot. I don't know if that will happen or not. But is should I will fall alseep probably as soon as I walk through his door. I usually would care but he doesn't so why should I? Because I do! Unfortuantely I'm the only one.

School is back

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 21:37:51 GMT

Okay my computer is still virus ridden so I'm using school computers for now. So there will be updates but they will be scattered. Everyone who reads my journal and my man's needs to obviously stop giving me advice. We could completely be lying here, you don't know anyone by their journal. And I don't really give a fuck what you think if I don't know you at all. I love him and will stay that way. But I need to get back to my poetry assigenment so adios for now.

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 04:34:32 GMT

*The \\*
Last Cigarette:	about a 15 minutes ago
Last Alcoholic Drink:	a midori sour and currently
Last Car Ride:	about 2 hours ago
Last Kiss:	sunday morning
Last Good Cry:	sunday night
Last Library Book:	no library
Last book bought:	dante's inferno
Last Book Read:	cabal by clive barker
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	anchorman
Last Movie Rented:	season 2 of 24
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	shit
Last Beverage Drank:	midori sour
Last Food Consumed:	hamburgers
Last Crush:	too long ago
Last Phone Call:	pookie boo aka alvaro
Last TV Show Watched:	a soap
Last Time Showered:	3 hours ago
Last Shoes Worn:	black maryjanes
Last CD Played:	dave matthews band
Last Item Bought:	pot
Last Download:	didn't dl
Last Annoyance:	boys hitting on me
Last Disappointment:	alvaro's feelings
Last Soda Drank:	purple stuff
Last Thing Written:	a poem
Last Key Used:	silly
Last Words Spoken:	hi
Last Sleep:	12 hours ago
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	none
Last Chair Sat In:	this one
Last Webpage Visited:	this one
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